My Caught Dream

The decision fell like the blade of a guillotine. It had been looming over me like the sword of Damocles for a few days. Ever since that phone call from the doctor. The result was indisputable: mononucleosis. Again. And I thought it only happened once in a lifetime, or maybe twice according to some urban legends, and only to the very unlucky. I don't consider myself very unlucky, I tell myself. It always happens to others. Always to others.

But not this time. Mononucleosis, again. This travel memory, brought back from Bolivia in 2013, haunts me three and a half years later. Hello there, I hadn't missed you...

And to think it's a travel memory that forces me to cancel this trip. Paradox.

The decision has been made, tears have fallen. I must be reasonable, François tells me, it's not your fault, he repeats. You won't enjoy it. You won't make it. Out of defiance, I deny it, I dispute it, I lie. I'm feeling better, it will be okay, you can't know until you try.

An unexpected ailment that is so difficult to grasp. For four weeks it has clouded my mind. The last time, it lasted five months... No one can say how long it will last this time. Four days? Four weeks? Four months?

I am writing these words from the doctor's waiting room. I feel like I have a serious illness. Acute travel anxiety. My head sways above my tablet while my fingers tap away. Don't fall asleep. A door opens, it's my turn.

I've got my paperwork. The one that will go in my file to cancel my sabbatical leave and regularize my situation. I go from being a traveler to being sick. A label I carry with less grace than I would like.

I doze off again. Drowsiness. Foggy awakening.

Awake nightmare and caught dream...

Traveling with an illness, a subject I'm not entirely unfamiliar with. Apart from more or less impressive illnesses picked up on the road, I have been traveling for a few years with two ailments: Raynaud's disease (a circulatory disorder causing difficulty managing extreme temperatures) and chronic gastritis (particularly troublesome in countries where all the culinary specialties are spicy, like in Sri Lanka).

Traveling with an illness (or a disability) is not necessarily an impossible gamble (as proven by Audrey, Blandine, and other inspiring travelers). It largely depends on the traveler and how they are affected, the solutions available to relieve or prevent discomfort or pain...

Traveling with mononucleosis, if it's mild and short-lived, isn't too disabling... But given my reaction to the initial onset of the disease and how it has been affecting me for the past few weeks, let's say the forecasts are not in my favor.

So I listened to reason, embodied, for once, in François's face. I yield. I cancel.

Of all this itinerary, we are only keeping the first trip to Germany (with its stunning scenery where I had many beautiful dreams... and you can see our photos on Instagram), and the last one, to Zanzibar (hoping that I will feel better). Goodbye Iceland, Canada, Norway, Japan, Guadeloupe. I hope it's just a farewell and that we can soon make it up...

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